On a fine spring day, a philosopher went for a walk in the country.  As he contemplated the quaint farms and basked in the warm sunshine, his mind relaxed and he forgot the cares and strains of university life.  He considered that a rural setting would be an excellent location in which to think his philosophical thoughts and, should he happen upon a farm that was for sale, he would buy it.

As always happens in these stories, the philosopher immediately thereafter encountered a farm with a For Sale sign staked in the yard. Gazing beyond the farmhouse, the philosopher saw a beautiful apple orchard on one side of the property, and an ugly pig sty on the other side. Struck by the philosophical implications of the dichotomy, the philosopher walked onto the porch and rang the doorbell. The door opened and he was confronted by an ancient farmer who explained his operation. “It’s basically a pig farm,” he said. “But we feed the apples to the pigs to hold down feed costs.” Eager to cast apples before swine, the philosopher made an offer on the farm. He learned quickly that the farmer was of the Hegelian bent and the price was therefore non-negotiable. But the philosopher was flush with cash, having recently been granted tenure, and happily paid the asking price.

Time passed. The farmer settled comfortably into retirement and began attending classes at the university.  One day he decided to drive out to his old farm and check on the philosopher’s agrarian progress. As he turned into the yard, he could see the philosopher in the apple orchard, engaged in an activity and surrounded by several pigs. The farmer walked down to the orchard and, as he drew nearer, he saw that the philosopher had propped a tall ladder against one of the apple trees. The philosopher was standing on the ladder, holding a pig up to a branch of the tree, and allowing the pig to eat an apple. After the pig had eaten the apple, the philosopher climbed down the ladder, placed the pig on the ground, and picked up another pig. He then ascended the ladder, held the pig up to a branch, and allowed it to eat an apple. As the farmer watched, the process was repeated several times until all of the pigs had been fed.

The farmer stepped forward and cleared his throat to get the philosopher’s attention. “Excuse me,” the farmer said, “but isn’t that a very time-consuming way to feed your pigs?”

The philosopher turned to the farmer with a warm and peaceful smile. “Perhaps,” he said. “But what is time to a pig?”

“Sleep with a Baseball Bat” is from Good Grief, the new twelve-track album by Cosmic Johnny. The song asks the philosophical question, “What would you do if you were in a relationship that was like an anxiety attack, and you woke up with claw marks on your back?” The answer: Sleep with a baseball bat. I would probably move out but, hey, that’s just me. I once got up in the middle of the night and carried a recently-acquired paperback about Ted Bundy out to the dumpster because I couldn’t sleep with that bad juju in the apartment.

Cosmic Johnny is Mike Suh (vocals and guitars), Felicity Squish (bass guitar and vocals), Cammie Davis (guitar), Marcus Dembinski (drums), and Keithe LaFlabme (moral support). According to the band’s Spotify biograophy, “Keithe is a plastic monitor lizard gifted to Mike by their friend Nathan. Thanks Nate.” In the video, Keithe makes an appearance at the 1:33 mark. The Boston-base band self-identifies as “3am existential rock for the kids who vaguely know what spacex is, but couldn’t, like, Describe it to you.”

I rarely write about bands that are this good. Bands with over 600 Facebook followers don’t want me to write about them because it will, you know, hurt their brand. But this is a great song and both of my regular readers will enjoy it. I give extra credit to bassist Felicity Squish. She plays some nice melodic lines that carry her beyond her assigned role in the rhythm section.

You can support deserving independent musicians like Cosmic Johnny by visiting their Bandcamp page, listening to their songs, and downloading your favorite tracks. Their music is also available on Spotify and Soundcloud. And be sure to follow Cosmic Johnny on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Video Trivia: Continuity Nerds will appreciate the lead guitarist’s Magic Shoulder Strap. It’s down! It’s up! It’s magic!